So Confused

YCC 121.29.08

I haven't written in ages. So much has gone on, and I just couldn't manage it.

Druur is dead. She had a problem with her cloning process and.... It's hard. Not just for me, but for everyone. I didn't know she knew as many people as she did, but it was wonderful to see how loved she was, and by so many people. We held a Memorial for her in New Eden last Saturday. It was lovely. We had a ceremony, and readings, and people talked about her and what she meant to them. It was beautiful. Then we shot off fireworks, and talked... It was hard for me, even though we weren't really together anymore. I know that Druur still wanted to try, but... but I just couldn't. Her lifestyle choices were too much for me. She couldn't change for me, and I couldn't change for her. I never got a chance to tell her that. Maybe that's for the best, that she still had hope for us. I don't know. I'll never know.

After the Memorial, Constantin and Ms. Mel went with me to TOMHA, and I talked to Druur at the prayer altar they had set up for her there. I don't know Ms. Mel very well, but I was really very touched that she went with me. I know she probably just went for Constantin, but that didn't matter. She was there, and that meant she was there not just for me, but for Druur too, and I will never, ever forget that she was. I don't even think I can say how much that meant to me. A Minmatar Republican honouring a Khanid Cyber Knight in a Temple of the Faith, for Constantin, for ME? Wow. Just wow.

With the bad, good happens too I guess. Is this God's Will, maybe? I don't know, but it kindof seems like it is sometimes. Katya and I are officially together now. I'm not even really sure how that happened. I mean, I know how it happened, but I still didn't know it would go so fast. She left after getting well enough to walk, but she wasn't even discharged by the Doctors, and she still left. I mean, I wasn't happy, but I really didn't have a reason to call her back. But then I heard that she was hanging out with that Mr. Wannis, and I was worried, cause he has such a reputation..... I talked to her, and told her how I felt, and like, other stuff too I guess, and I guess I eventually made my point, cause before I even realised it, Katya went from 'No, I'm not good enough for you' or something like that-which is DUMB, because of course she's good enough for me, I couldn't ask for better, Katya is PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL and STRONG, like, everything I'm not-straight to dragging me to my bed and ripping clothes off and stuff. I wasn't expecting that.

So now she's moving in with me on Naf, and I have tons of redecorating to do. Well, technically she's moving into her own Wing on the Estate, but, um, whatever, like that's actually what's happening. That's for like, appearances or whatever. Oh, and I guess I need to find out if I need a new Head of Security. I'm not sure how it's supposed to work, but if she keeps that position, doesn't that mean I'm like, dating my Employee or something? That sounds kindof icky!

I think the last big thing is that Ms. Luna asked me if I would take in Druur's two children. I have to admit, I wasn't sure at first if I could do that. Kanya is actually older than me, and we have never gotten along for, well.... many reasons, of course. But Zoe is only about 14, and... and she needs a safe place to grow up. I don't want to split them up, and Ms. Yskari is out in Null and doesn't think it's safe for them out there. She's probably right. I can't raise them, but I can make a place for them in my House. Gwyneth is taking care of all of that. They'll have their own staff, and will be raised as close to the Khanid way as can managed on Naf. Maybe I can ask Ms Loai for help, I'm not sure. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. I kindof giggle when I say that cause that is a whole ton. I'm thankful to God for bringing Katya and I together. I love her, and don't know what I'd do without her. She's my other half already, whatever that means. I've heard other people say it before, and it just seems right to say about Katya and I.

Still, I miss Druur. I think I'll always miss her. We never saw life the same way, not really, and we never really got along either, but she was the first person I think ever really cared for me, at least in her own way. I'll never be able to forget that, and I cared for her too of course. I'll always remember everything she taught me, and she will always be a part of my life. I still think sometimes I'll look around and she'll be there, that she's not really gone. Maybe that's true. As long as I remember her, as long as what she taught me is part of me, she'll always be here with me. Always.

Yes? No? What's Happening?

YCC 121.08.14

It's been a long few weeks, and my head is all of a jumble and I mean I think I yelled at Constantin, but I can't remember if I did or why it happened and then, after she got hurt, or maybe it was before, I can't remember, I also think I also told Katya that I loved her, but I'm not even sure if I actually did that, or if it's just something I think that I did, but I don't know because I can't straighten my mind out, cause everything is super hazy, but extra sharp, and fuzzy, and clear, and all at the same time, which doesn't make sense at all, and plus, I think I've done things that I don't remember doing, like the thing with the EoM assassins and their families which I don't remember telling Alex to do it that way, or even to do it at all, but I guess I must have, since I trust him and he for sure wouldn't have done all of those really terrible things to them without me telling him to do it first, or at least he wouldn't have done them the way they were done, since it was horrible, and I know that, but I don't remember it and that bothers me but I can't really fix that and I don't know why, and Katya sent me a letter, but it makes it sound like she's not coming back to me, and I don't know what to do about that, even though I sent her a letter back, but since she's probably not coming back and I don't know what to do, I guess I'll do something different, and oh yes I forgot to mention because why would I care, it's not like anyone really cares, but I cut my hair off and dyed it and I'm gonna go in my ship again and maybe do some Blooder things, I mean, things to the Blooders of course, that's what I meant obviously, and then maybe I'll do some other things afterwards but I don't know what, and I really should get more sleep but I'm not tired, and haven't really slept in a few days, and even then it was just a nap since I didn't sleep while Katya was here either, and why is the only person that hasn't let me down lately Mr. Nappylus, which doesn't make sense, cause tons of people say he's bad, but he's the only person I've talked to in ages that hasn't hurt me, and maybe that's actually telling me something, but if it is, I don't know what it is, so Goodbye.