So Confused

YCC 121.29.08

I haven't written in ages. So much has gone on, and I just couldn't manage it.

Druur is dead. She had a problem with her cloning process and.... It's hard. Not just for me, but for everyone. I didn't know she knew as many people as she did, but it was wonderful to see how loved she was, and by so many people. We held a Memorial for her in New Eden last Saturday. It was lovely. We had a ceremony, and readings, and people talked about her and what she meant to them. It was beautiful. Then we shot off fireworks, and talked... It was hard for me, even though we weren't really together anymore. I know that Druur still wanted to try, but... but I just couldn't. Her lifestyle choices were too much for me. She couldn't change for me, and I couldn't change for her. I never got a chance to tell her that. Maybe that's for the best, that she still had hope for us. I don't know. I'll never know.

After the Memorial, Constantin and Ms. Mel went with me to TOMHA, and I talked to Druur at the prayer altar they had set up for her there. I don't know Ms. Mel very well, but I was really very touched that she went with me. I know she probably just went for Constantin, but that didn't matter. She was there, and that meant she was there not just for me, but for Druur too, and I will never, ever forget that she was. I don't even think I can say how much that meant to me. A Minmatar Republican honouring a Khanid Cyber Knight in a Temple of the Faith, for Constantin, for ME? Wow. Just wow.

With the bad, good happens too I guess. Is this God's Will, maybe? I don't know, but it kindof seems like it is sometimes. Katya and I are officially together now. I'm not even really sure how that happened. I mean, I know how it happened, but I still didn't know it would go so fast. She left after getting well enough to walk, but she wasn't even discharged by the Doctors, and she still left. I mean, I wasn't happy, but I really didn't have a reason to call her back. But then I heard that she was hanging out with that Mr. Wannis, and I was worried, cause he has such a reputation..... I talked to her, and told her how I felt, and like, other stuff too I guess, and I guess I eventually made my point, cause before I even realised it, Katya went from 'No, I'm not good enough for you' or something like that-which is DUMB, because of course she's good enough for me, I couldn't ask for better, Katya is PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL and STRONG, like, everything I'm not-straight to dragging me to my bed and ripping clothes off and stuff. I wasn't expecting that.

So now she's moving in with me on Naf, and I have tons of redecorating to do. Well, technically she's moving into her own Wing on the Estate, but, um, whatever, like that's actually what's happening. That's for like, appearances or whatever. Oh, and I guess I need to find out if I need a new Head of Security. I'm not sure how it's supposed to work, but if she keeps that position, doesn't that mean I'm like, dating my Employee or something? That sounds kindof icky!

I think the last big thing is that Ms. Luna asked me if I would take in Druur's two children. I have to admit, I wasn't sure at first if I could do that. Kanya is actually older than me, and we have never gotten along for, well.... many reasons, of course. But Zoe is only about 14, and... and she needs a safe place to grow up. I don't want to split them up, and Ms. Yskari is out in Null and doesn't think it's safe for them out there. She's probably right. I can't raise them, but I can make a place for them in my House. Gwyneth is taking care of all of that. They'll have their own staff, and will be raised as close to the Khanid way as can managed on Naf. Maybe I can ask Ms Loai for help, I'm not sure. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. I kindof giggle when I say that cause that is a whole ton. I'm thankful to God for bringing Katya and I together. I love her, and don't know what I'd do without her. She's my other half already, whatever that means. I've heard other people say it before, and it just seems right to say about Katya and I.

Still, I miss Druur. I think I'll always miss her. We never saw life the same way, not really, and we never really got along either, but she was the first person I think ever really cared for me, at least in her own way. I'll never be able to forget that, and I cared for her too of course. I'll always remember everything she taught me, and she will always be a part of my life. I still think sometimes I'll look around and she'll be there, that she's not really gone. Maybe that's true. As long as I remember her, as long as what she taught me is part of me, she'll always be here with me. Always.