YCC 121.03.09
Katya got called away to do Navy stuff near her home planet, Nakri. It's near Sarum Prime, and it's absolutely beautiful. The views from her House were really really pretty! I went with her cause I didn't want to be away from her. I hate when she leaves me, but I know she has to sometimes. I guess I been neglect my Duties a little bit whenever I'm away, but I don't care. I need to be with Katya, and Gwyneth takes care of the day-to-day stuff when I'm not there anyway. That's her job.
Anyway, I didn't know I was gonna meet her mother. That was SUPER SCARY. Like, I didn't know what to say, or do, or anything. I didn't even know how to properly eat my soup at dinner in front of them. Katya's brother Felix was there too. He likes to smoke a pipe for some reason, and seems really into building stuff. He was super nice. Her mother was really nice too, but I was super worried she wouldn't like me. She said stuff about maybe it being a little hard because of the differences in our Houses, and, like, me and Katya's age difference, but whatever. That part will be fine, I think. I invited both Felix and Eudoxia to visit Naf.
I have to admit that do worry sometimes that I'm too young like people say, and too inexperienced or.... or too dumb and stuff for her too. I want her to be with the best person she can be cause she deserves it, and I'm worried sometimes that that's not me. I'll try to deserve her as best as I can. I hope I do ok.
I've decided that Katya will stop being my Head of Security. I tried to ask Lord deSilvestris if Alex could be my new one, but he says something about him maybe changing jobs or something, so not being able to ? I don't really understand, but it's really disappointing. Alex is one of my favourite people, and I would've liked to have been able to give him a somewhat permanent spot here. It'd have been good for Ishta, too. I'm still going to allow him to build a House for himself on Naf and in the Dawn Star, though. Maybe I'll authorize a small deSilvestris Compound in both places, so her whole family has places to stay whenever they're here. I'm sure that Katya will like having her family able to visit whenever they want to.
I guess that's all for now. You know, I guess they were right. Putting this all down does seem to help calm me down. And it helps me remember, too, since I seem to forgot tons of stuff lately for some reason.
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
So Confused
YCC 121.29.08
I haven't written in ages. So much has gone on, and I just couldn't manage it.
Druur is dead. She had a problem with her cloning process and.... It's hard. Not just for me, but for everyone. I didn't know she knew as many people as she did, but it was wonderful to see how loved she was, and by so many people. We held a Memorial for her in New Eden last Saturday. It was lovely. We had a ceremony, and readings, and people talked about her and what she meant to them. It was beautiful. Then we shot off fireworks, and talked... It was hard for me, even though we weren't really together anymore. I know that Druur still wanted to try, but... but I just couldn't. Her lifestyle choices were too much for me. She couldn't change for me, and I couldn't change for her. I never got a chance to tell her that. Maybe that's for the best, that she still had hope for us. I don't know. I'll never know.
After the Memorial, Constantin and Ms. Mel went with me to TOMHA, and I talked to Druur at the prayer altar they had set up for her there. I don't know Ms. Mel very well, but I was really very touched that she went with me. I know she probably just went for Constantin, but that didn't matter. She was there, and that meant she was there not just for me, but for Druur too, and I will never, ever forget that she was. I don't even think I can say how much that meant to me. A Minmatar Republican honouring a Khanid Cyber Knight in a Temple of the Faith, for Constantin, for ME? Wow. Just wow.
With the bad, good happens too I guess. Is this God's Will, maybe? I don't know, but it kindof seems like it is sometimes. Katya and I are officially together now. I'm not even really sure how that happened. I mean, I know how it happened, but I still didn't know it would go so fast. She left after getting well enough to walk, but she wasn't even discharged by the Doctors, and she still left. I mean, I wasn't happy, but I really didn't have a reason to call her back. But then I heard that she was hanging out with that Mr. Wannis, and I was worried, cause he has such a reputation..... I talked to her, and told her how I felt, and like, other stuff too I guess, and I guess I eventually made my point, cause before I even realised it, Katya went from 'No, I'm not good enough for you' or something like that-which is DUMB, because of course she's good enough for me, I couldn't ask for better, Katya is PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL and STRONG, like, everything I'm not-straight to dragging me to my bed and ripping clothes off and stuff. I wasn't expecting that.
So now she's moving in with me on Naf, and I have tons of redecorating to do. Well, technically she's moving into her own Wing on the Estate, but, um, whatever, like that's actually what's happening. That's for like, appearances or whatever. Oh, and I guess I need to find out if I need a new Head of Security. I'm not sure how it's supposed to work, but if she keeps that position, doesn't that mean I'm like, dating my Employee or something? That sounds kindof icky!
I think the last big thing is that Ms. Luna asked me if I would take in Druur's two children. I have to admit, I wasn't sure at first if I could do that. Kanya is actually older than me, and we have never gotten along for, well.... many reasons, of course. But Zoe is only about 14, and... and she needs a safe place to grow up. I don't want to split them up, and Ms. Yskari is out in Null and doesn't think it's safe for them out there. She's probably right. I can't raise them, but I can make a place for them in my House. Gwyneth is taking care of all of that. They'll have their own staff, and will be raised as close to the Khanid way as can managed on Naf. Maybe I can ask Ms Loai for help, I'm not sure.
Anyway, I guess that's it. I kindof giggle when I say that cause that is a whole ton. I'm thankful to God for bringing Katya and I together. I love her, and don't know what I'd do without her. She's my other half already, whatever that means. I've heard other people say it before, and it just seems right to say about Katya and I.
Still, I miss Druur. I think I'll always miss her. We never saw life the same way, not really, and we never really got along either, but she was the first person I think ever really cared for me, at least in her own way. I'll never be able to forget that, and I cared for her too of course. I'll always remember everything she taught me, and she will always be a part of my life. I still think sometimes I'll look around and she'll be there, that she's not really gone. Maybe that's true. As long as I remember her, as long as what she taught me is part of me, she'll always be here with me. Always.
I haven't written in ages. So much has gone on, and I just couldn't manage it.
Druur is dead. She had a problem with her cloning process and.... It's hard. Not just for me, but for everyone. I didn't know she knew as many people as she did, but it was wonderful to see how loved she was, and by so many people. We held a Memorial for her in New Eden last Saturday. It was lovely. We had a ceremony, and readings, and people talked about her and what she meant to them. It was beautiful. Then we shot off fireworks, and talked... It was hard for me, even though we weren't really together anymore. I know that Druur still wanted to try, but... but I just couldn't. Her lifestyle choices were too much for me. She couldn't change for me, and I couldn't change for her. I never got a chance to tell her that. Maybe that's for the best, that she still had hope for us. I don't know. I'll never know.
After the Memorial, Constantin and Ms. Mel went with me to TOMHA, and I talked to Druur at the prayer altar they had set up for her there. I don't know Ms. Mel very well, but I was really very touched that she went with me. I know she probably just went for Constantin, but that didn't matter. She was there, and that meant she was there not just for me, but for Druur too, and I will never, ever forget that she was. I don't even think I can say how much that meant to me. A Minmatar Republican honouring a Khanid Cyber Knight in a Temple of the Faith, for Constantin, for ME? Wow. Just wow.
With the bad, good happens too I guess. Is this God's Will, maybe? I don't know, but it kindof seems like it is sometimes. Katya and I are officially together now. I'm not even really sure how that happened. I mean, I know how it happened, but I still didn't know it would go so fast. She left after getting well enough to walk, but she wasn't even discharged by the Doctors, and she still left. I mean, I wasn't happy, but I really didn't have a reason to call her back. But then I heard that she was hanging out with that Mr. Wannis, and I was worried, cause he has such a reputation..... I talked to her, and told her how I felt, and like, other stuff too I guess, and I guess I eventually made my point, cause before I even realised it, Katya went from 'No, I'm not good enough for you' or something like that-which is DUMB, because of course she's good enough for me, I couldn't ask for better, Katya is PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL and STRONG, like, everything I'm not-straight to dragging me to my bed and ripping clothes off and stuff. I wasn't expecting that.
So now she's moving in with me on Naf, and I have tons of redecorating to do. Well, technically she's moving into her own Wing on the Estate, but, um, whatever, like that's actually what's happening. That's for like, appearances or whatever. Oh, and I guess I need to find out if I need a new Head of Security. I'm not sure how it's supposed to work, but if she keeps that position, doesn't that mean I'm like, dating my Employee or something? That sounds kindof icky!
I think the last big thing is that Ms. Luna asked me if I would take in Druur's two children. I have to admit, I wasn't sure at first if I could do that. Kanya is actually older than me, and we have never gotten along for, well.... many reasons, of course. But Zoe is only about 14, and... and she needs a safe place to grow up. I don't want to split them up, and Ms. Yskari is out in Null and doesn't think it's safe for them out there. She's probably right. I can't raise them, but I can make a place for them in my House. Gwyneth is taking care of all of that. They'll have their own staff, and will be raised as close to the Khanid way as can managed on Naf. Maybe I can ask Ms Loai for help, I'm not sure.
Anyway, I guess that's it. I kindof giggle when I say that cause that is a whole ton. I'm thankful to God for bringing Katya and I together. I love her, and don't know what I'd do without her. She's my other half already, whatever that means. I've heard other people say it before, and it just seems right to say about Katya and I.
Still, I miss Druur. I think I'll always miss her. We never saw life the same way, not really, and we never really got along either, but she was the first person I think ever really cared for me, at least in her own way. I'll never be able to forget that, and I cared for her too of course. I'll always remember everything she taught me, and she will always be a part of my life. I still think sometimes I'll look around and she'll be there, that she's not really gone. Maybe that's true. As long as I remember her, as long as what she taught me is part of me, she'll always be here with me. Always.
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
Yes? No? What's Happening?
YCC 121.08.14
It's been a long few weeks, and my head is all of a jumble and I mean I think I yelled at Constantin, but I can't remember if I did or why it happened and then, after she got hurt, or maybe it was before, I can't remember, I also think I also told Katya that I loved her, but I'm not even sure if I actually did that, or if it's just something I think that I did, but I don't know because I can't straighten my mind out, cause everything is super hazy, but extra sharp, and fuzzy, and clear, and all at the same time, which doesn't make sense at all, and plus, I think I've done things that I don't remember doing, like the thing with the EoM assassins and their families which I don't remember telling Alex to do it that way, or even to do it at all, but I guess I must have, since I trust him and he for sure wouldn't have done all of those really terrible things to them without me telling him to do it first, or at least he wouldn't have done them the way they were done, since it was horrible, and I know that, but I don't remember it and that bothers me but I can't really fix that and I don't know why, and Katya sent me a letter, but it makes it sound like she's not coming back to me, and I don't know what to do about that, even though I sent her a letter back, but since she's probably not coming back and I don't know what to do, I guess I'll do something different, and oh yes I forgot to mention because why would I care, it's not like anyone really cares, but I cut my hair off and dyed it and I'm gonna go in my ship again and maybe do some Blooder things, I mean, things to the Blooders of course, that's what I meant obviously, and then maybe I'll do some other things afterwards but I don't know what, and I really should get more sleep but I'm not tired, and haven't really slept in a few days, and even then it was just a nap since I didn't sleep while Katya was here either, and why is the only person that hasn't let me down lately Mr. Nappylus, which doesn't make sense, cause tons of people say he's bad, but he's the only person I've talked to in ages that hasn't hurt me, and maybe that's actually telling me something, but if it is, I don't know what it is, so Goodbye.
It's been a long few weeks, and my head is all of a jumble and I mean I think I yelled at Constantin, but I can't remember if I did or why it happened and then, after she got hurt, or maybe it was before, I can't remember, I also think I also told Katya that I loved her, but I'm not even sure if I actually did that, or if it's just something I think that I did, but I don't know because I can't straighten my mind out, cause everything is super hazy, but extra sharp, and fuzzy, and clear, and all at the same time, which doesn't make sense at all, and plus, I think I've done things that I don't remember doing, like the thing with the EoM assassins and their families which I don't remember telling Alex to do it that way, or even to do it at all, but I guess I must have, since I trust him and he for sure wouldn't have done all of those really terrible things to them without me telling him to do it first, or at least he wouldn't have done them the way they were done, since it was horrible, and I know that, but I don't remember it and that bothers me but I can't really fix that and I don't know why, and Katya sent me a letter, but it makes it sound like she's not coming back to me, and I don't know what to do about that, even though I sent her a letter back, but since she's probably not coming back and I don't know what to do, I guess I'll do something different, and oh yes I forgot to mention because why would I care, it's not like anyone really cares, but I cut my hair off and dyed it and I'm gonna go in my ship again and maybe do some Blooder things, I mean, things to the Blooders of course, that's what I meant obviously, and then maybe I'll do some other things afterwards but I don't know what, and I really should get more sleep but I'm not tired, and haven't really slept in a few days, and even then it was just a nap since I didn't sleep while Katya was here either, and why is the only person that hasn't let me down lately Mr. Nappylus, which doesn't make sense, cause tons of people say he's bad, but he's the only person I've talked to in ages that hasn't hurt me, and maybe that's actually telling me something, but if it is, I don't know what it is, so Goodbye.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
I guess I'm writing another entry....
YCC 121.07.04
Yesterday, LUMEN's Fortizar in Tanoo was attacked by Blood Raiders. That might not be that unusual, but they brought DREADNOUGHTS, and that definitely was! It was crazy. I got there as fast as I could, and asked for a ship, but I guess Ms. Lyra was busy, and didn't see me, because even though I asked a couple of times, no one ever gave me one. All I had were fireworks in my Malediction, so I shot those, but tbh, I felt kind of useless. I didn't even have my Noctis there. I guess I lost it someplace? I don't know. There were so many people there helping, even though they aren't with us, or even with the Empire. I heard that Ms. Melisma was the one who let us know that it was happening, and she's a Minmatar! How crazy is that?!?
Anyhow, I'm gonna move some ships to Tanoo just in case they come back. I can't even fly them all properly yet, but I'll fit and move an Abaddon so I can join in with that fleet, and I'll bring a new Noctis, too. I don't know how soon I'll be able to do it, but I hope I can get it all moved soon. Sansha are bad enough, but now Blooders are moving in on us, and that's just not ok. I really hate being in a Capsule, but I hope that I can not freak out long enough to help in a fight when it happens next.
I talked to Druur the other day. I think we got back together? I mean, everytime I'm near her, I kindof lose control, and I don't really like it... but it feels good anyway. I don't know how to explain it. With everything that has gone on, everything she's told me, everything she's done, I think I should break things off and never get back together with her, but then she's there, in person.... and I just can't help myself. I like being near her, and I can't seem to say no to her when she's there.
I've talked to Constantin and Ms. Mariya about it, and I'm not sure how much help they are. Like, they tell me stuff, but like never what to do, and that's what I want someone to do for me. Like, make the decision so I can just, you know, do it. But I guess it's up to me, as usual, and I just don't trust myself anymore. Well, not that I ever trusted myself in the first place, of course.
I really like Ms. Mariya's brother Alexandr. He's, like,super cute and handsome, and so polite and proper. He's really great! He's very professional, and does his Security job really well. I don't think I could ask for a better personal bodyguard, and I hope he doesn't train his replacement too quickly. I like having him around. He's great at what he does, and it never feels like he is there unless I need him to be. He's much better than my original security team. I kindof worry that Ms. Mariya is like trying to get me to like him. Like, LIKE him. I don't know what I think about that, but he IS super super nice, and he's cute and stuff, too, which doesn't hurt either. He's going out with Ms. Ishta right now anyway, and I told her I wouldn't do anything with him while he's here, and I guess I'm seeing Druur again anyway, so it's stupid to think about him at all.
I need to remember to talk to Kran Kran. I think he's still supposed to take me to some kind of Gardens on Caille? I think it'll be fun, even though it's in the Federation.
I missed Ms. Loai's Khanid Party a week or two ago. I wish I'd been there, but I was busy opening the new Trade and Tourism Ministry on Nafrivik III. I really like the new Mascot or whatever they're called. It's a thing called a whale! It's super huge and swims in the water like a fish, sortof! We have different kinds on Naf, but I chose the super cute one that's long and slender, and dark blue, with this really super interesting bright green biolumy stripe thing that goes from like it's front flipper to like the bad end of it. I can't remember the word, but it glows in the dark, so you can see it even deep down! I love the soft plushy toys I've had made, they are super cute and floofy! I love them! I hope that people like them. I'm gonna give one out free to every boy and girl in my Holding!
I can't think of anything else to write, so I guess that's all for now. I should stop delaying and really get my ships to Tanoo, but I don't wanna.
Yesterday, LUMEN's Fortizar in Tanoo was attacked by Blood Raiders. That might not be that unusual, but they brought DREADNOUGHTS, and that definitely was! It was crazy. I got there as fast as I could, and asked for a ship, but I guess Ms. Lyra was busy, and didn't see me, because even though I asked a couple of times, no one ever gave me one. All I had were fireworks in my Malediction, so I shot those, but tbh, I felt kind of useless. I didn't even have my Noctis there. I guess I lost it someplace? I don't know. There were so many people there helping, even though they aren't with us, or even with the Empire. I heard that Ms. Melisma was the one who let us know that it was happening, and she's a Minmatar! How crazy is that?!?
Anyhow, I'm gonna move some ships to Tanoo just in case they come back. I can't even fly them all properly yet, but I'll fit and move an Abaddon so I can join in with that fleet, and I'll bring a new Noctis, too. I don't know how soon I'll be able to do it, but I hope I can get it all moved soon. Sansha are bad enough, but now Blooders are moving in on us, and that's just not ok. I really hate being in a Capsule, but I hope that I can not freak out long enough to help in a fight when it happens next.
I talked to Druur the other day. I think we got back together? I mean, everytime I'm near her, I kindof lose control, and I don't really like it... but it feels good anyway. I don't know how to explain it. With everything that has gone on, everything she's told me, everything she's done, I think I should break things off and never get back together with her, but then she's there, in person.... and I just can't help myself. I like being near her, and I can't seem to say no to her when she's there.
I've talked to Constantin and Ms. Mariya about it, and I'm not sure how much help they are. Like, they tell me stuff, but like never what to do, and that's what I want someone to do for me. Like, make the decision so I can just, you know, do it. But I guess it's up to me, as usual, and I just don't trust myself anymore. Well, not that I ever trusted myself in the first place, of course.
I really like Ms. Mariya's brother Alexandr. He's, like,
I need to remember to talk to Kran Kran. I think he's still supposed to take me to some kind of Gardens on Caille? I think it'll be fun, even though it's in the Federation.
I missed Ms. Loai's Khanid Party a week or two ago. I wish I'd been there, but I was busy opening the new Trade and Tourism Ministry on Nafrivik III. I really like the new Mascot or whatever they're called. It's a thing called a whale! It's super huge and swims in the water like a fish, sortof! We have different kinds on Naf, but I chose the super cute one that's long and slender, and dark blue, with this really super interesting bright green biolumy stripe thing that goes from like it's front flipper to like the bad end of it. I can't remember the word, but it glows in the dark, so you can see it even deep down! I love the soft plushy toys I've had made, they are super cute and floofy! I love them! I hope that people like them. I'm gonna give one out free to every boy and girl in my Holding!
I can't think of anything else to write, so I guess that's all for now. I should stop delaying and really get my ships to Tanoo, but I don't wanna.
Monday, June 10, 2019
I don't really want to do this, but whatever...
YCC 121.06.10
After the last week or so, I was told that so that I wouldn't be so super stressed out, that I should write stuff down. Like, you know, so I didn't like bottle it up and stuff? I dunno. Anyway, I don't really like this idea, but Gwyneth told me I sortof had to, just to make her feel better. I mean, obviously she can't make me do anything, but if it helps her not freak out like she has been lately, I guess I will-at least until she forgets about it and I can quit doing this.
So, let me think. What's new that I should write down? Well, all of the stupid stuff from last week is OVER OVER OVER for me, and I've TOTALLY forgotten about it all. Like, it wasn't THAT big of a deal, anyway. I mean, yes I was crying and like had panic attacks and stuff, but it doesn't matter, everything's totally fine now.
ANYWAY, Mariya and Constantin were super helpful, and Constantin stayed with me for like over 2 days just taking care of me while I was having my, uhh, 'difficulties' or whatever. Which really weren't that bad, because it wasn't like a super big deal or anything. But they were really helpful, and I guess they really did save my life. I couldn't tell them everything about it all, and what was going through my head sometimes, not even Constantin, but it was really important to me that they were there.
Constantin told me I should forgive Luna for the way she talked to me and what she said and what she did to him and everyone else in LUMEN, because she has her own issues right now. Well, I guess that's true, and he asked me to at least give her a second chance. I mean, I didn't even get that I had ever signed up to give her a first chance, and I think that she was a really bad leader that hurt her own people-I mean, look at Ms. Aria-if she had been able to talk to Constantin, maybe she wouldn't have killed herself! But it's true that we all make mistakes, and maybe that was just one of hers, and I guess since it was Constantin that asked me to do it, I will.
Oh yes, Kranacoi was going to take me clubbing, and I brought my own club to hit people with, but then he laughed at me because he said we weren't going to club people, but that a club was a place that people went. He should have told me that before we went. Oh, and I was super overdressed for all of his friends or whatever, but I guess I should have expected that since it was on Caille of course. He took me golfing instead, which I guess was nice, since he did say he wanted it to be something where I could hit things since I was mistaken or whatever, but then he seemed to get mad when he did worse than me, but whatever, I guess. Since I was in the middle of my, umm... thing, before Constantin got to me and stopped me or whatever, I think I was really mean to him. I sent him an apology, and he still talks to me, so I guess that's good.
Also, this weird guy named Eiirik something was just floating in an Ibis outside of the Dawn Star. I don't know what's going on with him, but he's asked to see me because he couldn't fix his ship. I mean, ok, but doesn't like Concord or something just give us those for free? Why can't he just get another one? I mean, whatever, and I guess I'll meet him or whatever, but it just seems weird. He did give me some really really nice Intaki Tea-I think it was Intaki anyway-as a thank you for saving him, so that's neat I guess. He says he was looking for his sister for some reason, so maybe I'll find out more about that.
I guess I should talk to Druur. We should work stuff out. I don't know how to do that. I'm still really angry at her. I guess it doesn't matter. I still lover her, and I wish I didn't right now. I didn't love her anyway, and anyone that says that is LYING.
I guess I should talk to Druur. We should work stuff out. I don't know how to do that.
OK, well my hand is tired, and I don't want to do this anymore. Plus now I'm getting angry for some reason, and I didn't want to do this in the first place. I hope I don't have to do it again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)